Happy Mothers' Day

There is no greater thing in the world than to love and be loved.  This is the joy of being a mother.
Mothers' Day is the perfect opportunity to take stock of just how great it is to be a part of a family and to remember just why relationships are so much more important than material goods. Why giving up the chance to be rich and famous and hugely successful for being the mother of 4 excellent children is just so worth it.

On Friday at school the P+C ran the annual Mothers' Day stall.  As P+C President I had a big role in bringing it to fruition. We bought a bunch of gifts, laid them out on tables and allowed the children to buy them for $5 each.  Watching how much fun the kids had deciding on what to buy mum, and the thought and deliberation that went into their decisions was gratifying.  The children really did seem to reflect quite seriously on what gift would most suit their mother/ grandmother.  Allowing the children this opportunity was an important part of them growing up and becoming responsible, caring and empathetic citizens.  It also taught them about value and how to make discerning choices with their money.

I 'manned' the jewellery section of the stall and when my own child, Harry came up to purchase his two gifts, one for me and one for Ninny, I saw him pick a gift for Ninny.  He chose a necklace with a crown pendant, because Ninny is like a Queen.  How sweet.  (Although, I suspect it had something to do with her age and that she is almost as old as the actual Queen, but we wont dwell too much on that.)  I didn't notice Harry choose anything for me so guessed that he had picked another item from elsewhere on the stall.

He didn't.

He very stealthily ( I love that word) chose me a piece of jewellery too.  He presented it to me this morning.  A gorgeous Tinkerbell fairy pendant.

Sarah left me a package that I found on the kitchen bench this morning.  She wrote me a beautiful note which I shall reproduce here:
The front of the envelope said......
To Mum (please feel free to open this envelope as soon as you see it) [although you might like to stare in wonderment at the purple wrapped thing on the bench awhile]
Inside the envelope it said.....
Dear Mum,
Although I may not be up yet I would still love to wish you a fantastic mothers day (!) because you are amazing. I would love to thank you on behalf of myself, who has grown up to a grateful adult under your generous care, and for little Ellie who I can see adores you as much as I do and you will never lose our endless love.
Enjoy those breakfast croissants,
Love Sarah xxx ooo

It brings a tear to the eye.  How beautiful is that?

It reminds me of a conversation I was having with Steve earlier in the week.  I was discussing with him how we vary the way we parent each child depending upon their personalities, and also how little they realise why because they can't see the full picture of who they really are. I was postulating with him that do any of us really know who we are.  We know who we think we are or who we'd like to think we are, but others see us differently, and those who know us the best are the ones who, no doubt know us better than we know ourselves.
Evan is a good example of this.  He told me the other day that he can't wait until he has kids of his own.  He would be very tough on them and not let them get away with anything (Evan thinks we are too lenient on Harry). At first I was worried about his poor future children (my grandchildren) then I remembered what I was like at sixteen and the world views I had then are totally different to what I have now. I wasn't even going to have children at all when I was sixteen, I thought kids were annoying little messy things. Now look at me, I am head over heels in love with my four kids and adore them beyond compare. (Yes they can on occasion be messy and annoying, but they are an absolute blessing and I can't even begin to imagine how empty my life would be without them).
So here is Evan at sixteen, confident and assertive and very articulate.  He is aware of his righteousness and his ability to express it. How did he get like this? Was it in any way our parenting?  With a different style of parenting could he have grown up to be introverted and depressed?  Quite possibly.
I heard a story the other day about a teenage boy who had written a suicide note.  He sounded like a very sensitive child born into a family where he wasn't accepted for who he was.  His parents had an expectation that he would more fit the model of a boy's boy, motor bike riding, rough and tumble type.  Instead he just wants gentle love, not the tough love he is being given.  How sad for him.
It's so true that many many boys need more gentle love.  I am not the first mother to notice that her sons are far more delicate and emotional than her daughters.  I remember reprimanding Sarah over a certain misdemeanour (say drawing on the wall) and she would just look at me like it was nothing.  I would lay it on a bit thicker really telling her about what she did was completely inappropriate and how she'd now have to clean it, or lose her textas, etc etc, and she would blank faced take it like it was water off a duck's back.   I wasn't sure that I was getting through to her at all.  Then along came Evan.  I wouldn't get two words into a ticking off and he'd collapse into a ball and be totally devastated.  Steve and I learnt very quickly that we had to way back off the discipline with him, he was far more sensitive than Sarah.
That's just one example of how we adjusted our parenting to suit the personality of the child.  All through their lives there are many more examples.  Certainly dealing with teenagers requires a tailored situation, no one size fits all there.  But I do believe that Evan is confident today because we didn't crush his spirit, or make him 'man up' when he was growing up.  He is also loving and affectionate and very comfortable with who he is.  But he wont necessarily see or appreciate that his upbringing had anything to do with who he is today.  In fact if anything he (like we all did) will focus on his parent's shortcomings. Ah it can be a thankless job sometimes, lol.
No not quite thankless, just very very hard, but also rewarding 1000 fold. There's nothing I would rather be doing. So thank you, my gorgeous children, for the necklace from Harry, the tea and mug from Sarah, the foot massager from Evan and the Love that you all share with me.  I love you all so very very much.

In defence of Teenagers

Sometimes I feel so proud of my children I could just burst.  Obviously I am just madly in love with my one year old, Ellie.  I have already blogged about how special it is to fall head over heals in love again. But does the euphoria fade as they get older and pass through more challenging stages, and of course approach (shock, horror) the dreaded teenage years?

The answer to that is a resounding no. Everyday I love my children even more and that love is bolstered by something even more special- I am so proud of the individuals they are growing into.  And far from the teenage years being seething bed of horror and dysfunction, I think (so far) they have been their best years.

Why does society paint adolescence as a horror story?  Are we normalising abnormal behaviour because some children (for a variety of reasons) go off the rails a bit during this time?  Steve and I went to the seminars about managing your teen.  We were told about how they will naturally want to take risks and sometimes do stupid things due to the lack of development in their brains.  They used this theory to explain why teenagers drink, take drugs and drive cars really fast, among other anti social and dangerous activities.  This then was painted as the norm.  As the sort of thing you should 'expect' and perhaps except from teenagers.

I say this analysis is wrong.  Those behaviours are abnormal and result of something else going on in the teenager's life.  They then manifest more easily because of the stage of brain development that they are at.  But what about the majority?  And it is the majority who sail through adolescence with minimal ripples.  What does the risk taking part of the brain have them doing?

Well I tell you, and the things are amazing and it is why teenage years truly are the best years of your life.  With additional confidence, a tendency toward risk and perhaps a lack of the bigger picture pressures that bog down adults, teenagers are creative, innovative, and game to take on challenges that later in life they maybe less inclined to tackle.  They learn amazing stuff, like jumping off cliffs (abseiling) or rock climbing.  They think nothing of going on challenging overnight hikes.  They stick their hands up to speak in public, or play instruments for large audiences or play sport.  They speak their mind and are not afraid to have a go and get involved.  They have a can do attitude.  And they are funny, because they say and do the sort of crazy things that society slowly beats out of us as we age.

This is a far cry from the morose lazy teenager stereotype that we are fed. Of course there are moments of that, sometimes too many. It is true they have lots of sedentary time, spend way too much time skulking in a messy room playing on their computer.  But during this time they are also learning and studying for school or secretly practising their creative writing skills.  They are socialising on social media and building relationships for life.

I look at teenagers today and I see that they are more confident, better educated and more socially aware than we ever were. They have access to greater opportunities to succeed and excel. With a nurturing environment at both home and school teenagers have the capacity to do great things and utilise this unique time in their brain development to lay down an amazing foundation for adulthood. So let's stop looking at the negatives and embrace the positives, and I guarantee you will find so much to be proud of in your teenagers.

Teenagers have a way of filling the house with their presence. While you are lamenting the lack of personal space, remember that, so far in this journey, these are their best years. It wont be too long before they are gone and then the house will feel so empty. So embrace the opportunity now to really enjoy your teenagers by getting to know them. You will definitely find yourself feeling great pride in the fantastic people that they are developing into.