The next blog

I Started to write about my traumatic time in Darwin and promised to get straight on to the other major upheaval that was happening in my life at the same time.  It has taken me a couple of months to get my head space together to get around to writing about what else was going on.

As I wrote in my last blog I miscarried my baby, and although it was relatively early in the pregnancy, I was devastated.  I had never miscarried before and after three very healthy pregnancies I had no reason to believe that the fourth would not follow the same suit.  I already had my head around baby number 4 and had emotionally welcomed it into my life and family.  So yes it was extremely painful to lose (him or her).

Meanwhile, someone else very close to me was also dying.  My Father who had been diagnosed around six months earlier with inoperative pancreatic cancer was rapidly going down hill.  He was given two years of good quality life expectancy, but it was becoming evidently clearer that that was not going to be the case.

30 May 2007
Diary Entry....
...Library again - sent email to everyone.
Dad not well, need to contact Lezah or Murray. Will wait until my emotions have settled.

Had a lovely night out at Stokes Wharf. Lots of tables over looking the working Harbour. Heaps of food shops to choose from and live music for atmosphere.
All happy/sad mixed together.

On top of this a major family feud was in the making as well.  A feud that would demand that family members take sides.  It was the emotion of the time, dealing with a dying father, who needed a lot of care, a mother who was increasingly surcoming to the ravages of dementia and the opinions of five siblings who all thought they knew what was the best course of treatment.  It was definitely the ingredients for a lot of drama.
I was caught in the middle of the situation, trapped in Darwin, so geographically challenged as to being able to do anything.  Dad and the rest of the family were in Canberra.  I was miscarrying my baby and emotionally wrought. Then came the phone calls from both sides of the family.  Telling me about the dire state of dad's health and how I just had to fly home straight away.  Some said I should stay, some said I should go, I felt tugged and pulled in all directions when all I wanted to do was curl up into a small ball and cry and cry and cry.  But life marches on and it doesn't let you do that.


My mother was an angel at this time and I will never forget the support that she offered me over the phone.  She was facing the prospect of losing her true love and life long partner, but still had enough beauty and courage within her to offer her daughter some love, sympathy and support.  I am so touched by how she could do that totally selfless act and will forever be indebted to her.  What an incredible woman!  She understood perfectly my difficulty in travelling at this time and offered me unconditional acceptance of whatever decision I came to.  (I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this).

In the end I waited till I had the Doctor's all clear to travel and I left my own family in Darwin and travelled to Canberra on what they call the redeye flight.  It leaves Darwin at midnight.  Unfortunately I just missed seeing dad as he died just before I could get a flight.  I did however get to Canberra in time to take part in the funeral preparations and experience first hand the sibling feud that was flaring up between my brother Gary and sister Lezah.

I am not even going to try and dissect that issue as it is deep seated and terribly complex.  I may one day attempt it, but this blog is not the time or the place.  But it did cause an awful lot of tension and nastiness to erupt between us all.  I didn't have a support network to help me cope with the double situation of my father's death and the sibling nastiness.  I was already in a very fragile state from my miscarriage.  It was all a recipe for a later emotional break down on my part.  But that was not to occur for another six months, this was just the planting of the seeds.  Add a few more issues and a tummy bug and I was a basket case, but that a subject for another blog also.

I'll get onto the Canberra bit in later blog too.  For now however we continued our sight seeing around Darwin while I got regular updates from the family about how dad was progressing.  None of the news sounded good.

On the first of June we went to Fanny Bay goal.  I found it freaky looking at all of the cells. Afterwards we went to a swanky cafe in Cullen Bay.  They had a toilet which had situated its urinal to look out through a window at the rest of the cafe.  It was a one way window, so they could look out but the cafe patrons couldn't look in.  What a funny experience to have to perform in front of all the patrons.  It was a nice place but probably a bit swanky for us.  We left before paying and didn't realise until it was too late.  OOps.  Steve tried to ring to organise to pay by credit card over the phone, but they wanted us to travel all the way back in to pay in person. We declined.

More about Darwin next time.....

Budget mess

I never liked budgeting, I always saw it in the same realm as dieting.  Too controlled and controlling.  It's the sort of thing that may have to happen in an emergency, but if you could avoid it, all well and good.
Joe Hockey's budget of 2014, the one that will go down in history as an attack on the modern family.  The one that will unwind all the family friendly conditions that their own party brought into being the last time that they were in Government.  I wonder what John Howard thinks of his successors.
Back before Labor's bungled attempts at being a coherent Government we had the Howard and Costello years.  They managed to eventually do their dash with the Australian public and got voted out for being mean and tricky.  Their mean and trickiness pales into insignificance next to the Abbott and Hockey brand of Liberal.  At least the last crop of Liberals believed in the value of having a primary caregiver at home while the kids were growing up.  They supported the stay at home care giver with a series generous family tax payments.  The unfortunate thing about this was that it wasn't long before it started to be labelled as middle class welfare, and the Capitalists set their sights on tearing the whole thing down.  These are Capitalists mind you who enjoy their very own range of tax breaks, but their form of Government support is not labelled derogatorily as 'welfare'.
When I was growing up my mother received a very small sum of money called Child Endowment. It was paid on a per child basis, and I don't believe that it was means tested.  So the more children that you had the greater the sum of money you received.  Granted, it was a pittance, but it was not regarded as welfare, it was regarded as a civilised society supporting those who are doing an extremely important job, that of bringing up the next generation.  The next generation who will fill the jobs that need filling, provide the services for future society and be the the future tax payers who will fund the budget in years to come.  A redistribution of wealth, if you will.  Give a little now, gain a lot back later.  Support families, the back bone of our society, create a better society and hopefully a crop of fully functioning educated individuals who can then take their place in society and contribute back when they have grown up.

I also remember that my father received a tax rebate for his dependents through the tax system.  A rebate is not a deduction, it's better than a deduction because it actually pays you back the tax that you have paid. For example, if you were taxed $10000 and you were entitled to a $3000 you would get the full $3000 effectively only paying $7000 in tax.  A deduction merely reduces your taxable income, so if you qualified for a $3000 deduction, for example, you would only benefit by the percentage tax rate you are on.  So if you are on a 30% tax rate your deduction is worth 30% of $3000, or $900.  Not so good, eh?
Now this tax rebate was not seen as welfare either.  It was a legitimate tax break recognising the importance and the expense of raising a family. An individual tax payer on $100000 is ALOT better off financially than another tax payer on $100000 with six mouths to feed.
There were a few problems with this system, it wasn't means tested, so the rich were entiltled to the same as the needy.  The bulk of the money went predominantly to the male, where as it was generally the female who was incurring the day to day living expenses of raising children.  In some family situations this money was not always passed on and well it all just felt a little bit too embarrassingly sexist.
Enter the bright sparks of Government to over haul the system.  The first advantage to the government of the new shiny social security system was that they could rip the money out of the tax system and use all of that lovely rebate money to buy votes.  When you are getting a tidy sum delivered regularly into your bank account care of the government, there is lots of potential here for pre-election promises and vote buying of the middle class.  It also enabled means testing so that the money could be directed to the ones most at need.  The problem with this is that it turned it into welfare and gave the ones who missed out a stick to bash the recipients with.  Suddenly instead of being justly recognised and in a very small way supported during the most expensive years of life, which is bringing up a family, we became middle class welfare trash.  It was only going to be a matter of time before the heavies would insist on rolling it back arguing that we can't afford middle class welfare without recognising the historical reason why a small amount of monetary support for families is essential and indeed highly desirable in a civilised society.

I argue that calling it welfare is demeaning, degrading and insulting.  It is primarily an attack on women (as they are predominately the primary care giver) and also an attack on families and the kind of decent society that we want to live in. Once women had very little choice, they had to stay at home once they got married.  We had a revolution and changed the way women were perceived in society and opened up choices and opportunities for them.  The whole point was to break down barriers and allow women to choose work or motherhood, or a combination, or whatever.  Just when we looked like we were getting somewhere, more female representation in higher positions, including a female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard's misogynists have seized power.  Now women are a new instrument of the state, they are productive units that must get back to work under the yoke of the industrial machine. Pop out them babies, whack 'em into institutionalised care, and get back into the workforce.  We need you there to bolster the numbers of workers braying for those lower paid jobs so that we can lower the minimum wage and reduce workers conditions for everyone.  It wont do to have employers competing for the best people for the job, they may have to offer better wages and conditions.  No we need the working poor so that we have plenty of fodder to choose from to run the capitalist industrial machine. God, I am starting to sound like a Communist.
Ideological ranting aside, it is the children that I feel sorry for.  Some families have both parents working and it's great for them.  I have friends who truly believe that they are a better mother when they work.  Staying at home was not for them.  That's fine, that's their choice and I applaud it.  Equally, there are mothers who know they do a better job as a parent being at home and attending to the day to day tasks, such as  ensuring that the kids actually get to school each morning on time, dressed and slightly sane.  A stay at home parent who can be there when the kids get home from school and need some time with a parent to discuss their day.  A parent who can get things done while everyone is out of the house, the cleaning the shopping the cooking, the family finances, and the multitude of other tasks that the household requires to run efficiently.  There are the volunteer roles and the school concerts that lose out when everyone is at work and can't get time off. Weekends are suddenly not rest and recreation times, but catch up with household chores.  Quality time is lost.  Some sacrifice this for extra money that comes into the family as a result of having two wage earners.  If the wage earners earn enough they may compensate by having a big overseas family holiday.  Others, like me and many many more prefer life to be a bit more gentle on the kids.  I want to be there when they need me, not have to sacrifice quality family time on the weekends just to catch up on what I didn't get done during the working week.
I believe in my families case that the kids grow up much less stressed and far more well adjusted when there is less focus on how much household income we have and more focus on spending time together.  I love the relationship that I have been able to build and foster with my children.  I believe it makes for a better and happier society.  We risk losing this by forcing mums back in to the workforce as soon as their youngest turns 6. Children no matter what age they are still need their parents. They need to be the ones that come first, not an employer who has the ability to withdraw your livelihood.

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This Government needs to recognise the profound importance of the primary caregiver and not trash the family assistance scheme.  It is not welfare, it is the just recognition of the value of well cared for, strong functioning families for the good of society.  You achieve this through giving women choice, not taking it away. By offering a small amount of compensation that acknowledges the expense of feeding a family it allows families to make up their own minds and make their own choices about how best to structure work and family life. It also offers them dignity. Each family will have its own unique solution that will work for them.  Wake up Libs, you need a society first, an economy second, not the other way around.

Happy Mothers' Day

There is no greater thing in the world than to love and be loved.  This is the joy of being a mother.
Mothers' Day is the perfect opportunity to take stock of just how great it is to be a part of a family and to remember just why relationships are so much more important than material goods. Why giving up the chance to be rich and famous and hugely successful for being the mother of 4 excellent children is just so worth it.

On Friday at school the P+C ran the annual Mothers' Day stall.  As P+C President I had a big role in bringing it to fruition. We bought a bunch of gifts, laid them out on tables and allowed the children to buy them for $5 each.  Watching how much fun the kids had deciding on what to buy mum, and the thought and deliberation that went into their decisions was gratifying.  The children really did seem to reflect quite seriously on what gift would most suit their mother/ grandmother.  Allowing the children this opportunity was an important part of them growing up and becoming responsible, caring and empathetic citizens.  It also taught them about value and how to make discerning choices with their money.

I 'manned' the jewellery section of the stall and when my own child, Harry came up to purchase his two gifts, one for me and one for Ninny, I saw him pick a gift for Ninny.  He chose a necklace with a crown pendant, because Ninny is like a Queen.  How sweet.  (Although, I suspect it had something to do with her age and that she is almost as old as the actual Queen, but we wont dwell too much on that.)  I didn't notice Harry choose anything for me so guessed that he had picked another item from elsewhere on the stall.

He didn't.

He very stealthily ( I love that word) chose me a piece of jewellery too.  He presented it to me this morning.  A gorgeous Tinkerbell fairy pendant.

Sarah left me a package that I found on the kitchen bench this morning.  She wrote me a beautiful note which I shall reproduce here:
The front of the envelope said......
To Mum (please feel free to open this envelope as soon as you see it) [although you might like to stare in wonderment at the purple wrapped thing on the bench awhile]
Inside the envelope it said.....
Dear Mum,
Although I may not be up yet I would still love to wish you a fantastic mothers day (!) because you are amazing. I would love to thank you on behalf of myself, who has grown up to a grateful adult under your generous care, and for little Ellie who I can see adores you as much as I do and you will never lose our endless love.
Enjoy those breakfast croissants,
Love Sarah xxx ooo

It brings a tear to the eye.  How beautiful is that?

It reminds me of a conversation I was having with Steve earlier in the week.  I was discussing with him how we vary the way we parent each child depending upon their personalities, and also how little they realise why because they can't see the full picture of who they really are. I was postulating with him that do any of us really know who we are.  We know who we think we are or who we'd like to think we are, but others see us differently, and those who know us the best are the ones who, no doubt know us better than we know ourselves.
Evan is a good example of this.  He told me the other day that he can't wait until he has kids of his own.  He would be very tough on them and not let them get away with anything (Evan thinks we are too lenient on Harry). At first I was worried about his poor future children (my grandchildren) then I remembered what I was like at sixteen and the world views I had then are totally different to what I have now. I wasn't even going to have children at all when I was sixteen, I thought kids were annoying little messy things. Now look at me, I am head over heels in love with my four kids and adore them beyond compare. (Yes they can on occasion be messy and annoying, but they are an absolute blessing and I can't even begin to imagine how empty my life would be without them).
So here is Evan at sixteen, confident and assertive and very articulate.  He is aware of his righteousness and his ability to express it. How did he get like this? Was it in any way our parenting?  With a different style of parenting could he have grown up to be introverted and depressed?  Quite possibly.
I heard a story the other day about a teenage boy who had written a suicide note.  He sounded like a very sensitive child born into a family where he wasn't accepted for who he was.  His parents had an expectation that he would more fit the model of a boy's boy, motor bike riding, rough and tumble type.  Instead he just wants gentle love, not the tough love he is being given.  How sad for him.
It's so true that many many boys need more gentle love.  I am not the first mother to notice that her sons are far more delicate and emotional than her daughters.  I remember reprimanding Sarah over a certain misdemeanour (say drawing on the wall) and she would just look at me like it was nothing.  I would lay it on a bit thicker really telling her about what she did was completely inappropriate and how she'd now have to clean it, or lose her textas, etc etc, and she would blank faced take it like it was water off a duck's back.   I wasn't sure that I was getting through to her at all.  Then along came Evan.  I wouldn't get two words into a ticking off and he'd collapse into a ball and be totally devastated.  Steve and I learnt very quickly that we had to way back off the discipline with him, he was far more sensitive than Sarah.
That's just one example of how we adjusted our parenting to suit the personality of the child.  All through their lives there are many more examples.  Certainly dealing with teenagers requires a tailored situation, no one size fits all there.  But I do believe that Evan is confident today because we didn't crush his spirit, or make him 'man up' when he was growing up.  He is also loving and affectionate and very comfortable with who he is.  But he wont necessarily see or appreciate that his upbringing had anything to do with who he is today.  In fact if anything he (like we all did) will focus on his parent's shortcomings. Ah it can be a thankless job sometimes, lol.
No not quite thankless, just very very hard, but also rewarding 1000 fold. There's nothing I would rather be doing. So thank you, my gorgeous children, for the necklace from Harry, the tea and mug from Sarah, the foot massager from Evan and the Love that you all share with me.  I love you all so very very much.