As I wrote in my last blog I miscarried my baby, and although it was relatively early in the pregnancy, I was devastated. I had never miscarried before and after three very healthy pregnancies I had no reason to believe that the fourth would not follow the same suit. I already had my head around baby number 4 and had emotionally welcomed it into my life and family. So yes it was extremely painful to lose (him or her).
Meanwhile, someone else very close to me was also dying. My Father who had been diagnosed around six months earlier with inoperative pancreatic cancer was rapidly going down hill. He was given two years of good quality life expectancy, but it was becoming evidently clearer that that was not going to be the case.
30 May 2007
Diary Entry....
...Library again - sent email to everyone.
Dad not well, need to contact Lezah or Murray. Will wait until my emotions have settled.
Had a lovely night out at Stokes Wharf. Lots of tables over looking the working Harbour. Heaps of food shops to choose from and live music for atmosphere.
All happy/sad mixed together.
On top of this a major family feud was in the making as well. A feud that would demand that family members take sides. It was the emotion of the time, dealing with a dying father, who needed a lot of care, a mother who was increasingly surcoming to the ravages of dementia and the opinions of five siblings who all thought they knew what was the best course of treatment. It was definitely the ingredients for a lot of drama.
I was caught in the middle of the situation, trapped in Darwin, so geographically challenged as to being able to do anything. Dad and the rest of the family were in Canberra. I was miscarrying my baby and emotionally wrought. Then came the phone calls from both sides of the family. Telling me about the dire state of dad's health and how I just had to fly home straight away. Some said I should stay, some said I should go, I felt tugged and pulled in all directions when all I wanted to do was curl up into a small ball and cry and cry and cry. But life marches on and it doesn't let you do that.
My mother was an angel at this time and I will never forget the support that she offered me over the phone. She was facing the prospect of losing her true love and life long partner, but still had enough beauty and courage within her to offer her daughter some love, sympathy and support. I am so touched by how she could do that totally selfless act and will forever be indebted to her. What an incredible woman! She understood perfectly my difficulty in travelling at this time and offered me unconditional acceptance of whatever decision I came to. (I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this).
In the end I waited till I had the Doctor's all clear to travel and I left my own family in Darwin and travelled to Canberra on what they call the redeye flight. It leaves Darwin at midnight. Unfortunately I just missed seeing dad as he died just before I could get a flight. I did however get to Canberra in time to take part in the funeral preparations and experience first hand the sibling feud that was flaring up between my brother Gary and sister Lezah.
I am not even going to try and dissect that issue as it is deep seated and terribly complex. I may one day attempt it, but this blog is not the time or the place. But it did cause an awful lot of tension and nastiness to erupt between us all. I didn't have a support network to help me cope with the double situation of my father's death and the sibling nastiness. I was already in a very fragile state from my miscarriage. It was all a recipe for a later emotional break down on my part. But that was not to occur for another six months, this was just the planting of the seeds. Add a few more issues and a tummy bug and I was a basket case, but that a subject for another blog also.
I'll get onto the Canberra bit in later blog too. For now however we continued our sight seeing around Darwin while I got regular updates from the family about how dad was progressing. None of the news sounded good.
On the first of June we went to Fanny Bay goal. I found it freaky looking at all of the cells. Afterwards we went to a swanky cafe in Cullen Bay. They had a toilet which had situated its urinal to look out through a window at the rest of the cafe. It was a one way window, so they could look out but the cafe patrons couldn't look in. What a funny experience to have to perform in front of all the patrons. It was a nice place but probably a bit swanky for us. We left before paying and didn't realise until it was too late. OOps. Steve tried to ring to organise to pay by credit card over the phone, but they wanted us to travel all the way back in to pay in person. We declined.
More about Darwin next time.....
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